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Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Rest in Peace...

January 30th, 2006


2 years ago.
Ryan Patrick Clancy.
shot himself in the bathroom.
at C.M. Russell Highschool.
I don't believe that it is something I will ever be able to forget,
just push into the back of my brain and act normal.
It is impossible.
I spoke to him seconds before he walked in;
as I was walking away to talk to Justin Gaither...
I heard the crack of a gunshot.

The commons went silent, except for 2 staccato
screams that uttered from a girls mouth.
Short and quick.

3 seconds of quietness.
And then the commons area exploded with noise.
Nobody could venture a guess as to what it was.
I joked with my friend Sam, about kids bringing guns into the school.
The 8:05 bell rang.
Chaos...
as the faculty was running in and out of the boys bathroom,
kids pushing and shoving to see what it was.

I saw the look on Mr. Greguire's face.
utter disbelief.

And because of that moment...my innocence was shattered.
I knew in my heart what it had been.


I listened as people contemplated; listened to the frantic tone in Gerrity's voice.
Repeating
over
and
over
"It's just not right. this doesn't feel right"
"somethings wrong"
"I can feel it"

I went up the stairs; brushing it off as simple hysteria...
Stood at my locker waiting...
waiting...
waiting?
what? ryan is never late to psychology.

Walked into my History class and sat down.
Looked at Derek and asked if he had heard what happened.

Turns out that half the class had been upstairs
they hadn't heard anything


The classroom was buzzing and I asked Derek in a quiet voice...
asking myself more than him.
needing reassurance.
'It wasn't Ryan was it?'
'Couldn't be.'
'I saw him this morning.'


It caught fire and slowly the classroom was asking themselves if it could have been him.
'that nazi kid'
'the hitler guy'
'the goth kid'

I wanted to stick up for him. Shout at all of them.
Because they were laughing about it.
snickering.
I was too weak to even think.
Slowly, as if in a daze;
I reached across the aisle,

grabbed the strap that hung loosely from Derek's mangled leather jacket.
And started stroking the worn end.
The inside of the fabric was clean and soft.
I laid my head down on the desk...
imagining all of the different scenarios as to what could have happened.

The school went into a 'secure in place' and we were permitted 3 minutes to get to our next class.
I went to my locker and asked Will; who was Ryan's best friend if he knew where he was...

he said that he had seen him earlier.
I was so relieved...

I sat next to Derek in art class too and we spent the entire class period laughing and joking around.
Guess it was a way to escape the reality of what may be.
We joked about jumping the fence they had around the bathroom...
kicking it down; scaling it; water guns...plaster and paint.
everything.

When we were allowed to go to our next class I had to walk by the bathroom once again.

I saw Adam Heffelfinger, who I'd known since kindergarten...
standing next to the gate; looking in...
an unexplainable feeling came over me...

I went into drama class...
a little uneasy...
Ally was crying.
She couldn't find him either.

'shit'

class began and Mr. B got an e-mail
"This isn't good at all guys"

Not Good?
Fuck. just tell us already...
We sat on the floor to watch a movie...
and heard a knock on the door.
A lady with blonde hair pulled Mr. B out of the room...
he came back in.

"I need Alisa Thrasher and Colter McCarty in the hall"

Jasmine looked at me...
whispered.
"oh god."

'oh god. oh god. oh god.'

I stood up; blind to everything except for a halo of white hair...
walked towards her.
Managed to avoid colliding with Colter.
And went out the door.
It slammed ominously.
Echoing throughout the entire fine arts department...
into the empty theatre.

3 seconds.

I looked at her.
Saw her eyes.
Filled with pity.
And knew.


she started;
"your friend..."

'It was him. wasn't it?'
'Ryan? wasn't it?'

she nodded...watching me closely to see how I would react.

I whispered;
'OH GOD!'

It came out as a scream...

she rushed to hurry me away before I would give it away to the students in the classroom.

'No; you have to get5 Allison Stacey'
'Ally Stacey'
'You have too!'

Worrying about what the counselors would say...
"each student needs one adult"
"it's protocol"
"They're grieving. They need us"

She used common sense.
Got Ally.

I told her. Flat, monotone.
silent tears sliding down my cheeks.

She fainted.
We picked her up, walked with her to the office.

I considered running out the doors...
freedom.
safety.
I walked into the office.
Saw teachers and counselors staring at me.
Mine rushed me into an empty office.

As I walked by I saw Will; stoic. sitting.
went into the room.
Sat down with Ally.
Colter.

Quiet.

Ally was sobbing
"where's Adam?"
"where's Edwin?"
"where's Levi?"

Mr. Kloppel came on the announcements...

"A member of our C.M.R family, Ryan Clancy; took his own life today. If you feel that you..." It faded out.

I sat. numb.

A counselor stuck her head in the door, annoyed.

"Is there an Alisa Thrasher in here"

'finally... escape...'

Jasmine, Chris, Mike, Rachel, Ryder, and Jen...bombarded me.

We sat in the room. cried.

walked outside and smoked cigarettes. talked to people and convinced them that we would be all right. ventured into the larger counseling area.

a group of adults looked at us and whispered amongst themselves...

"Those are the kids who were actually impacted."

'impacted? are you fucking kidding? We're all sitting right here...and who uses that word? What kid in this school isn't going to be 'impacted'?'


Edwin found a note in his pocket. Green Day lyrics...Homecoming... that and "see you on the other side."


We went to Chris's house.

Drained; we all laid down on various couches and beds...

the first song to come on the radio was 'Time of your life' by Green Day.


I started throwing up.


Threw up for the rest of the day. got a migraine. went home and cried all night. unable to sleep.

To think.

I had been present when I heard my friends death...

Heard it.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

We coped. Somehow.

Months passed by in a blur. Auto-pilot.

Summer came and I started dating Henry.

-----------------------------------------------------------

2 years later:

living in an apartment with Henry.

broke up for 6 months and got together again at the end of the summer...

I am so happy...things could be a little bit better but I have no complaints as of right now...


All I can think about today is Ryan...

'What would he have been like?'

'Would we have still been friends?'

'Would he be happy finally?'



These questions resonate in my skull...

Tomorrow I am visiting his grave with Rachel and Hen.

Should be interesting. Last time I went...

I had a panic attack and blacked out.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

R.I.P.

Ryan Patrick Clancy
1989-2006





Sunday, January 27, 2008

A Series of Letters...



I met Tom because he had photography the class period that I skipped geometry and would end up in the art rooms.
I met Al through Tom.
A 16 year old boy.
Tumultuous and passionate.

April 18th, 2007

(dear alisa)


i am extremely attracted to you on all levels, i have kind of delayed talking responding to you because i never really knew what to say, not to say i do now, but i figured it was time i wing it.



i do paint, i do enjoy trance, techno, electronica etc. a great deal, i did check out ATB...very nice



i will be visiting my friend tomiester at some point this summer, and when that time comes i look forward to meeting you, and possibly enjoying coffee and cigarettes, and maybe a philosophical conversation....





April 18th, 2007
(dear alisa)


about the art, i really enjoy mixed media...incorporating photos with paint......art kills me as much as it keeps me alive though

i cant help but think, that everything im doing, has been done before, so why do it, its so hard to be original anymore...im not sure its even possible, so i spend a lot of my time thinking of something i can do that is truly unique yet beautiful,(or ugly).....and less time doing art, although it seems my best work is impulsive...

idk, i love art, i love making art.........maybe im hard to please.


either way, burns up a lot of time

and yourself?



April 22nd, 2007

(dear al)


Honesty and realism are what I like to abide by and this is the only reason that I'm choosing to inform you of what is going on. I can't decide if I enjoy getting stoned or not. I guess it's okay...but it just makes my head spin and think too much into things. Which is why I should not be typing this. I may regret it.


Actually probably not. I don't ever regret telling people my honest feelings anymore. Not after Ryan...who I never told anything...


So here I go sir...I think you're amazing. That isn't a flattering tactic.


I just do.


Some of your ideas are a little fucked up but whatever.

I enjoy the fact that you're incredibly smart. You're fun. Witty. Sarcastic. And even though you pretend to have no empathy for anybody...I think deep down inside there is a little teddy bear named Al...



April 24th, 2007

(dear alisa)

everybodys lookin for somethin

some of them want to use you
some of them want to get used by you
some of them want to abuse you

some of them want to be abused
have a decent day.




April 25th, 2007
(dear alisa)


thought you would enjoy this pic of a recent piece




April 26th, 2007

(dear alisa)

yesterday when i walked up to send your letter i was walking back from the post office and saw a guy out front of the super america, he was on the ground and digging in the trash, he had a white plastic bag, and a bike

he ended up taking off before i could get past him, but i met up with him at the intersection, in the middle of the road, he looked at me and said, "you didnt see me takin nothin back there did yuh?"

i said no, then he told me that it was money, and that they throw away money like crazy there.

then he told me that he was staying in the days in up the street, in room 312, w hich apparently, is a badass room.......

so the light changes colors and before he leaves he says to me

"it looks like dirt to the un trained eye"....referring to the bag he had.

then he was gone.

and i would have never had this wonderful experience without mailing your letter, thank you so very much

much love

al




May 1st, 2007

(dear alisa)

you really are my ecstasy.

oops :



May 3rd, 2007

(dear alisa)
i greatly enjoy hearing your voice




our conversations make a part of me actually happy...




just wanted to say that; it crossed my mind when i hung up the phone...




have a wonderful day, and i wish you luck on your play.







May 6th, 2007



(dear al)




Dearest Sir Al Hoffman,




I hope that your day has been, and is continuing to be amazing.




That is all.




I am sunburnt and it sucks.




Have a great week at school...as much as you can.




Sincerely Yours,




Ms. Alisa Nicole Thrasher







May 10th, 2007



(dear al)




I don't know if I've told you about him. He's pretty hot. I met him through a mutual friend and he believes strongly in offending people. Seems to be a nice character.




Incredibly intelligent and sarcastic which is amazing. He's also nameless to you.




He sits in a dark corner with a hat on. I don't want you to get jealous so we'll leave him without a word that will cause you to identify him were you to ever randomly run across him in this small world.




Because you might go ballistic and murder him or something.




Which may or may not be considered suicide.




You figure it out.




I broke down. I smoked a cigarette today. And since I'm sick...it made me cough. I literally coughed up ash which made my day.







May 10th, 2007



(dear alisa)




more and more each day you are becoming necessary for my survival.







May 20th, 2007



(dear al)




I know. You can't change it and who cares when we can't do anything about it. But that doesn't mean that I don't care.




It's raining. I love it. I wish you were here. I would take you to the train bridge. Sit in the rain. Smoke and listen to the river. Watch the city lights fade in and out.




Because you would understand why it means so much to be there.




Because you understand things of beauty.




Fuck. I am so mellow. I am so sad. I am so dispassionate.




I hate caring about you.




I hate it Al.




Honestly.




You are part of my routine I guess.The better part of life.







May 20th, 2007



(dear alisa)




Roses are red.



Violets are blue.



Your voice is beautiful.



And thats why I love you.



-Anonymous







June 3rd, 2007



(dear al)




come join in the last hurrah with open sores and open jaw



what was that light integrated in your mind



what have you done it's too early for everyone



wait for that sign spilling over and over and over....







June 3rd, 2007



(dear alisa)




everything that is me is black and dying



unless im talking to you







June 8th, 2007



(dear alisa)




in a world full of clones




you are definitely my favorite.







June 15th, 2007



(dear al)




hey.




hope work was fun.




I will most likely not speak with you tonight. Since I'll be home late and you will be on the drugs.




I wish I could hear your voice right now. So many things that I wish but that is on the top of my wish list.







Have a wonderful night and sweet dreams HONEY.




Yep; a word of affection used towards you. I guess you'll have to get used to it.




June 15th, 2007



(dear alisa)




i have come to realize that we live in a void... and we all are trying to find peace within the emptiness







June 17th, 2007



(dear alisa)




when i find a weakness in the drugs




i have nothing left




and i stop




stop living...

June 17th, 2007



(dear alisa)



And it feels so real



I wanna go back to that place



Take me away



I wanna feel like I used to feel



When we find emptiness



In the only thing that kept us going



We die.




Jun 20th, 2007


(dear al)


Your voice.



A melody of rawness spiralling throughout this galaxy.



The sound of you is what keeps me alive.





July 21st, 2007


(dear alisa)



the play wasnt worth 12 bucks...but it was still highly entertaining....


keep in mind next to nothing is worth 12 bucks to me.




you were the definition of beauty...




btw, i thought about saying that, but.......................i didn't.



and thats the point.




and also, not that it matters but my dad said there is an opening here in montana for his particular job in the air force, so apparently he is going to be trying to get here when he gets back from iraq.




and then there was one...




btwgood luck with the play.



love,


satan




July 23rd, 2007


(dear alisa)



there exists a box, that you look inside, and it allows you to understand how unbelievably large...vast...never ending...etc...that the universe is, and it drives you insane, instantly...




and i know where it is.





July 27th, 2007


(dear alisa)



if i could spend everyday of the rest of my life seeing your face i would stop doing ecstasy (and all other drugs.) because the feeling i get when im around you is equal to the feeling i get




July 27th, 2007


(dear al)



I'm not sure what to say. I do concur. But it breaks my heart to think of what I feel around you Al. Seriously.



Because we can't ever really be and I feel cheated.



I enjoyed taking you to my bridge. Kissing you.


And watching the lights reflection as I realized that it will be so long from now that I will see you again.



August 2nd, 2007


(dear al)



you're empty...void of feeling...numb...and I want to know why? i wish I could be there with you. Or you here with me...



August 2nd, 2007


(dear alisa)



we can wish ourselves to death, its never going to change anything,



i think we are best off numb, nothing can stop you.




i desperately need some fucking drugs,



i know that,


and im not getting them...




August 2nd, 2007


(dear al)



I will wish all I want to.


I believe in shooting stars and wishing on an eyelash.


so fuck off.


let me have my wishful fantasies and misconceptions that people live happily ever after.


I like them...
they're like your drugs.


Helps me keep sane...




August 2nd, 2007


(dear alisa)



i dont need the drugs, but i like them, and they like me...BUT, i cant do them if i cant get them.i think that is the point.



there is no point in living if you cant feel alive...




August 6th, 2007


(dear alisa)




your voice does something,



but i cant remember what...




im pretty sure whatever it was,


it was


amazing.





August 7th, 2007


(dear Alisa)
btw, if you cant tell, im bored




August 7th, 2007



(dear alisa)
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
amaze me alisa



i beg you
try your hardest



blow me away. change my life.



anything.



everything is blue in this world





August 7th, 2007



(dear alisa)



i still dream of lips i never should have kissed





-NIN




August 20th, 2007



(dear al)



Nothing is wrong with this place Al. Besides that I've spent my entire life here and I want a change.



I want to experience life outside of this little fish-bowl that I've grown up in.



Is it so wrong for me to want something for myself?



August 23rd, 2007



(dear alisa)
i dont want to be your whole life



just your favorite part.





September 3rd, 2007
(dear alisa)



i let so few people get close to me emotionally...to see you fade away, and not even seem to care...worse then anything i have ever experienced...



in such a short time you became the most important thing in my life...i let you in my life...and just like that its gone...this may be easy for you...which makes it even worse...........not good enough is the only thing i can think of...and for some dumb fucking stoner.



there are so many things that i have learned to love in the last few months, because of you...i wonder how i will deal with these things in the future if you are out of my life...



i dont know what to say to you at all......ive tried everything and its not good enough...



some of them want to you use you...some of them want to get used by you...









September 20th, 2007



(dear al)
hey. ummm; my phone is dead. which sucks as I have not my phone charger.
The thing is Alejandro...I miss you.
I am not saying that because I feel obligated.
I say it because I genuinely miss hearing your voice.
oh well; I guess nothing can be changed and this no contact thing will help you more.
but I still miss you.
I hope school is good.
I hope you're not dead.



And I hope that somewhere inside of you, you're finding happiness.
and beauty.




September 20th, 2007



(dear alisa)



Today it is raining.




December 5th, 2007
(dear alisa)




there is nothing left...

but emptiness...



January 28th, 2008



(dear al)


These days I find you on my mind.
It's that time of year again...soon it will have been a year since we first started talking.

Silly how our friendship didn't even last that long.

We've spoken and the details are a bit foggy as it was yet-another drunken dial...but what I deciphered from the fragments of my memories is that we both were in agreeance that our relationship as a romance was based solely on obsession and intrigue.

Perhaps its an offset of being true narcissists.
Drawn to people who have similar character qualities.

And that simple answer is very easy to accept because it is partially true.
but at times I wonder of the passion.

Is it really possible to have the amount of it that we had without some true feelings in the mix?
I'm not speaking of simple romance and lust.

I'm speaking of the numerous arguments and blow-ups.
Arguing over drugs, drinking...all of the jealousy.

When I grow old. I will think of you.

You will be the secret locked inside of me.

As much as I have tried to escape it...reality is the fact that I was also hurt when our relationship ended.

In no way was I ready for our relationship to end.
Really.

It hit me like a ton of bricks.

As fabricated as that may sound...

its the truth.


We were cut off.
Not because I stopped caring.

Because I finally had the chance to date Henry again and see if I could make amends with the boy who had been my best friend for longer than I had known you.

I don't regret that decision as I see it to have been my only chance to try and make things work with him.

But I do wish that you and I had been able to see our relationship out until the end.

I know you don't see what I see in Henry.
I don't claim to be extraordinary and therefore when I choose people to associate with...

they don't have to be spectacular.

Al, if I could make you understand one thing.
just one.

It would be this:

you and I ended, not because you weren't good enough; but because of an unfinished relationship I had before I met you.

It was an odd breakup.

I could have continued caring for you at the same time as Henry but we both knew that it wouldn't work out like that.
Being that I was in the same town as him and spending my time with him...

This was never an issue of choosing one over the other. Really.

That is what I want you to know.
I love you.


Platonicly, yes.

but...that's a good place to start.

I want for us to be friends again.
Learn to get to know each other again without romance clouding things up.

I miss you.

Sweet dreams are made of this
who am I to disagree
travel the world and the seven seas
everybody's looking for something.



Wednesday, January 9, 2008

To recap.

18.

What an odd year.

January-

My 18th birthday was spent at Pizza Hut; with all the theatre kids and Henry of course.

February-

Thespian Festival in Missoula!

Broke up with Henry on Feb. 13th.

The Diary of Anne Frank.

March/April-

Tends to run together.

Art class, theatre, skipping class.

Fleetwood Mac, ATB, The Train Bridge.

Became friends with Al.

Prom.


May-

Vaudeville, Final Thespian Banquet, Fine Arts Assembly,

Turned in AP art portfolio to Princeton.

GRADUATION!!!!!



June-

started work as a coffee barista.

Lazy summer days with Hill and Natalie.


July-

Dated Pester. Started dating Ramon. Al finally came to visit and we had one romantic kiss before he left.

Hill's birthday.

Rocky Horror basically consumed my life.

August-

Rocky Horror, work, drinking.

September-
2nd-Hen and I started dating AGAIN!!!
lost my job. :(

Rach moved to Pheonix.

October-

officially moved in with Henry.

got 2 cats!

Murder on the Nile!

November-
fairly uneventful.
just trying to live. ick.

December-
Rach moved back into town.
Rachels birthday!
Christmas Ball.
Christmas at Henry's momma's.
Ski Trip at Big Mountain with Henry's
momma, her fiance, his son; Ivan, and of course Hen.
New Years Eve-
Hah; a good night. Besides the
whole 'calling momma drunk' thing.



Well; hopefully 19 is just as
ridiculously normal as 18 was.

Monday, January 7, 2008

Phenomenal Actress

Ellen Page

Phenomenal Canadian Actress.

Recognized from the movie 'Juno'

I went on a date with Henry tonight

and we went to see 'Juno' in theatres.

It was absolutely phenomenal.

The indie, urban style of the movie drew me in right away.

The soundtrack, cinematography, awkwardness of the film absolutely captured my heart.

When I came home, I was flipping through films available on the Indepedent Film Network and a movie called, 'Wilby Wonderful,' caught my eye.

Ironically, it turned out to also be a film with Ellen Page starring in it.

I highly recommend it.

This girl is so talented at capturing everything about everyday life. She makes her characters lovable, relatable and warm.
AMAZING ACTRESS!!!

Sunday, January 6, 2008

Pink Hair!!!

Too bad I have to dye this soon I suppose one must really have a job.
Unfortunately for me...
Great Falls?
too narrow-minded to accept
hair.
As if hair color even matters!!!

Time machine

What I have come to realize lately is that the shittiest part of life is the fact that you can't go back and change the past.
Funny; how the most mythical aspiration of mankind is to try and create a machine that will take us into the past so we can fix our mistakes.
If I could go back in time, I'm not too sure what I would change. Because everything that happens, triggers something else.
For example; if I were to go back and stop Ryan from killing himself...
I would be the same person I was then...I would never have learned to appreciate the people around me and to tell them that I love them.
Sometimes I wonder if I've made the best choices in my life.
Because of a simple difference in religious beliefs, I have a family who I feel as if I'm walking on glass around.
It makes me so sad to see my family breaking apart. We have been for years...the past few have just been a culmination.
I don't even remember what it is like to have my father speak to me. Simply say hello.
I don't remember a time after the age of 11 that he has been kind to me.
This is what breaks my heart.
On New Years Eve; I got in a drunken altercation with Henry. Being incredibly drunk and belligerent; we blew it out of proportion and I ended up calling my mother at 3 am.
The thing that kills me is the fact that when my father answered the telephone...he sounded genuinely concerned.
For one split second I had what I haven't known for so long, and it tears me up to know that it is only in times of great distress that he cares.
This has turned incredibly depressing. I had no clue that this was going there.